Brass Man
by Editor-Bug
Summary: Cartman comes up with the most original business idea ever; pretending to be a statue. The twist is, it actually becomes a pretty lucrative business, which will invariably lead to...trouble of some kind. ONE-SHOT! Read & review if you like!


"YOU GUYS! YOU GUYYYS!" Cartman ran screaming in the middle of the street. He knew Kyle and Kenny were over at Stan's house playing video games. Without him. AGAIN.

He burst in through the door and his friends barely reacted.

"YOU GUYS!"

"What, Cartman?" Stan asked without taking his eyes off of the screen.

"You guys. I finally found a way we can _legitimately_ make money without doing ANYTHING!" said Cartman, practically bursting with excitement.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Dude, the startup company didn't work, remember?"

"No, this is different! All we need is some paint, and we can literally have people throwing their money at us _today!_ "

Stan paused the game. "Alright, I've gotta hear this."

"Okay, guys, listen," Cartman clasped his hands together as his friends gathered around him. "Literally all we have to do is paint me brass, then I stand still in the park, and people pay me! It really works, I just saw one guy make fifty bucks doing it!"

"Whoa," gasped Kyle. "People actually make money doing this?"

"Indeed, my Jewish friend! It's the best job ever!"

"Well, who are we gonna get to do it?" asked Kenny. "Butters?"

At this, Cartman frowned and crossed his arms. "I was _gonna_ get Butters to do it, but he got grounded for masturbating to Kim Kardashian."

All four of them rolled their eyes.

"That is SO like him," groaned Kenny.

"So, I guess I'll have to do it," Cartman went on. He smiled. "After all, whoever does it gets 70% of the profit."

"Wait. The rest of us only get 10% each?" Kyle's eyes narrowed. "What the hell, that's totally unfair!"

"Well, don't think of it as 'only getting 10% of the profit', think of it as going on with your normal routine and getting paid! You guys don't have to do anything, I'm the one who'll have to stand still in the park with dry paint on my balls. Besides, with all the money we'll be making, 10% is, like, twenty bucks a day!" Cartman convinced.

"Hmm," Kyle glanced at Stan and Kenny.

 _"Deal!"_

"Sweet," Cartman shook each of their hands. "Let's go get the paint."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Stay still, fatass!"

"He-he, well, the brushes tickle, guys!"

Stan, Kyle and Kenny were in Cartman's living room, painting the squirmy boy a brass color. They had a big tub of the shiny stuff for Cartman to sit in (so they wouldn't have to paint his junk or whatever) and there were paper towels scattered on the floor to catch all the splatters.

"And...done!" Kenny finished painting the last bit of Cartman's face.

"It's about time!" the fat boy snapped, climbing out of the tub. He put his arms out and stood in front of a running fan to dry the paint.

"Well, we had a lot to paint!" Kyle shot back. "Your BMI isn't exactly the lowest of the bunch, y'know!"

"...are you telling me you want only 5% of the profit, Kahl?"

Kyle flinched. "Uh, no."

"That's what I thought," Cartman headed for the front door. "Now, gentlemen, I'm off."

"You're really going out there naked and covered in brass paint?" asked Stan.

Cartman held the knob as he paused dramatically. "If that's what it takes to make money in this town." With that, he was out the door.

An awkward silence followed, which was broken by Stan.

"Man, I think only getting ten percent is worth it. I would never be able to do that."

"Yeah..." Kyle glanced at the messy floor. "Wait. Do we have to clean this up?"

"..."

"..."

"...WELL!" Stan clapped. "Looks like Cartman's mom has a big mess to clean up."

"Yep, we should make ourselves scarce, immediately."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Cartman hurried to the park, ignoring the stares he got on his way. Those people would be paying him in a minute. When he reached his destination, he set up a little podium and stood on top of it, thinking of which statue to recreate.

"Aha!" He snapped his fingers. "The Thinker! A classic. That'll get the people's money for sure. How did it look again...?"

Cartman sat with a hand under his chin, appearing deep in thought. He wasn't sure if that was the exact position, but he figured people would still get it. Hopefully. Staying still grew tiresome after a bit, but Cartman kept reminding himself that it'd all be worth it.

Then Jimmy and Timmy came by.

"Hey, Eric," greeted Jimmy.

"Shh," Cartman shushed out of the corner of his mouth.

"Timmeh!" exclaimed Timmy.

"Shh!" Cartman shushed again. "I can't talk right now."

"Wh-Why not?"

"Because I'm a statue, get it?"

"Ohhh, I get it."

"Timmeh!"

"We can h-h...h-hhh-help you attract people for your naked posing business, Eric."

Cartman's neck cracked as he faced them. "I'm listening."

"We can promote you on our blog! We've got lots of followers!"

"How MANY followers?"

Jimmy shrugged. "Half a m-m-m-mi-million or so."

Cartman's eyebrows shot up. "For rizzle, son?"

"Yep! People love disabled kids! Don't worry, Eric, you'll be swimming in cash in no time! C'mon, Tim!"

"Timmeh!"

Cartman watched them go. "Guys, wait."

They stopped and turned.

"...don't do anything gay."

"Okay...? Gotcha."

After Jimmy and Timmy left, it wasn't long before people started dropping money in front of Cartman.

"Wow, it's working! My knees are stiff as hell, but I can buy new knees with all this money!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

During recess the next day, he met with Stan, Kyle and Kenny to give them their cut of the profit.

"Okay, Cartman, how much money did you make?" asked Kyle.

Cartman put his dollar bills into a "fan". "500 bones, baby!"

"Wow!" his friends gasped as he handed them each their pay.

Kyle grinned, stuffing the money in his pockets. "I dare say this the best idea you've ever had, Cartman!"

"Yeah, and hey, you decided to keep the paint on," said Stan, noticing Cartman was still brass.

"Yep! It feels right to me," Cartman replied proudly.

Kenny waved his hand in front of his face. "So you haven't bathed since you put it on?"

"Shut up, Kenny."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

For the next week or so, life was pretty sweet for the four boys. Cartman did his statue routine in the park, got paid, and shared with his friends, who were even treating him pretty kindly. The four of them would go see movies, buy all the cool new video games, and pay off their debts to the Mafia, all thanks to Cartman. It was rad.

But as the income began to dwindle, Cartman wondered if that maybe he was doing was enough. People would get tired of the same old thing, and his poses really needed something extra to hold his audience.

One Saturday afternoon, profits reached an all-time low, and Cartman went to Butters' house expecting help.

Mr. Stotch answered the door. "Oh, hello, Eric. Sorry, but I'm afraid Butters is still grounded, so he can't come out and play."

"Come on, dude, weak! You grounded him THIS long just for jacking it?"

"Oh, no, he got grounded for that last week. THIS week he got grounded for leaving the milk out for a minute! An entire minute! Can you believe this kid?"

"But, Dad, I didn't have time to put the milk away, 'c-cause you told me to get the mail and also that you would spank me again if I dilly-dallied!" Butters whined from inside the house.

"BUTTERS, YOU GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM!" boomed Mr. Stotch, closing the door.

Cartman heaved a sigh. "Maybe Kenny will help me."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"You want me to WHAT?"

"Dude, the Dayak statue has two people!" whined Cartman. "I just need you to paint yourself, pose with me in the park today, and you'll get your cut of the profit!"

"No fucking way!"

"I'll raise your equity to 13%."

"...fine."

"THANK you, Kenny, it was a pleasure doing business with you."

As promised, Kenny showed up to the park that afternoon, all brass and shiny. With minimal trouble, he and Cartman got into the same pose as the Dayak statue, with Cartman sort of sitting on Kenny's head.

"Why don't people in statues ever wear clothes...?" grumbled Kenny.

"Sh!" Cartman uttered, barely moving.

Randy and Gerald came walking through the park and saw them.

"Oh, it's just that fat kid being a statue again," Gerald said tiredly.

"Yeah...but now there are two people instead of one..." Randy pointed out. "Two IS more than one, Gerald."

"...true."

More and more people noticed this, and soon, Kenny and Cartman were up to their stiffened necks in cash. It was the most profitable weekend in quite some time, and on Monday, Cartman distributed the money.

"Hey, wait a second. Kenny got more than us!" Kyle observed.

"Uh, yeah, well, Kenny has been putting a lot of effort into the business lately, so he got a raise," Cartman explained vaguely.

He could tell Kenny was embarrassed about the whole ordeal, so he walked off with him before any more questions could be asked.

"Effort?" Stan looked over at Kyle. "I thought this business what about being effortless! What did Kenny do to get more money than us?"

Kyle shrugged, stuck without answers.

Unfortunately, Cartman didn't stop what he'd started. The pattern was that Cartman would pose with another person (Kenny), but soon, the crowd got bored of that too, so he made it more complicated by adding another person (Clyde), and then another (Token), and ANOTHER (Kevin). Soon, he had half his classmates out posing. And while they were all making a good amount of money, Stan and Kyle couldn't ignore the sneaking feeling that they were being left out of something. So, one day at school, they tried confronting Cartman about it.

"Listen, guys, I already told you! Kenny and the guys have just been working harder than you two! THAT'S why I paid them more!"

"Who's 'them'?" asked Kyle. "I thought this was just between the four of us!"

"I-It is," Cartman lied.

"Then how come you just said 'Kenny and the guys'?" added Stan. "Who else have you been working with?"

"Look, this business is none of your guys' business, okay?! Now, if you keep this up, you're both fired!"

"You can't fire us! We QUIT!" blurted Kyle.

"...dude, don't be so drastic," uttered Stan.

"No! If Cartman's not going to tell us what's going on, then we're GONE!" Kyle stomped away and Stan reluctantly followed.

"FINE!" Cartman yelled after them. "Have fun NOT getting paid!...they'll be back."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

That night, Kyle heard knocking at his front door just as he was getting to bed.

"Cartman?" He said in surprise as he opened it. "What do you want?"

"Strip down, paint yourself, come meet me at the park and sit on my dick," panted Cartman.

Kyle slammed the door. Yet he opened it back up when Cartman resumed knocking.

"Just LISTEN, dude!" Cartman said in a frustrated tone. "I've done some calculations and shit and I KNOW that if you help me and the guys with this statue, we'll all get approximately ten million dollars each! Do you realize how many dreidels or briefcases or whatever you could buy with ten million dollars?"

"Dude. Get the hell away from me."

"Well, I tried this the easy way," sighed Cartman. Then he suddenly turned to the driveway. "GET HIM, GUYS!"

"Huh?!"

Kyle tilted his head and saw nearly twenty naked, brass-painted boys rushing towards him. They had him in his grasp before he could even move to close the door. He struggled against them and tried to scream for help, but to no avail.

He was carried all the way to Cartman's dimly lit basement, and thrown roughly to the floor.

"CARTMAN! Who are these assholes?!" he growled.

"Oh. You know them, Kyle," the fat boy gestured towards his accomplices. "Take a closer look. They're all your classmates."

Kyle's eyes widened. "K-Kenny...? Craig? Token?! Why would you guys do this?!"

"Sorry, man," Kenny shrugged. "This job pays some good money."

"I've been able to buy the entire Red Racer Indy 500 play set," added Craig.

"What about you?!" Kyle turned to Token in desperation. "You're rich! Why would YOU work for Cartman?"

"Well, all my friends were doing it!" Token argued.

Kyle shrank back from them all. "Wh-What are you guys gonna do to me...?"

Cartman snapped his fingers and two of the brass boys pulled a tarp off of a large vat. Upon closer inspection (squinting), Kyle realized it was filled to the brim with brass paint.

"You just wouldn't come quietly, so now we're gonna force you to take a little dip," Cartman explained darkly. "Which reminds me, I think Stan is done..."

"Stan...?!"

Kyle watched in horror as a gasping, coughing, spitting boy was pulled out of the paint vat. He was completely coated inside and out with the brass-colored fluid.

"Stan?!" Kyle could hardly recognize his friend. "Stan! Are you okay, dude?!"

Wordlessly, the boys dragged Stan across the floor and lay him on a patch of paper towels to dry and let him hack up the rest of the paint he'd swallowed.

"Your turn, Kyle. Boys! Prepare him for the dip!" Cartman commanded with another snap.

"You guys stay the hell away from me!" barked Kyle.

But the brass boys surrounded him and began to undress him, ignoring his enraged screams. Strong as he was, he couldn't fight all of them, and he didn't want to hurt his friends. They were actually trying calm him down in the midst of their assault.

"Come on, dude, it's not that bad."

"Yeah! This stuff washes right off!"

"And we promise you'll get your clothes back after!"

"It's all gonna be worth it when you get paid!"

"Quit being a pussy."

Cartman looked on in light amusement. He was starting to laugh manically when he heard the basement door creak open.

"L-L-L-Let 'er rip, Tim!"

"TIMMEH!"

"Wha?! AAAGH!" Cartman had turned around only to get a mouthful of water.

The attack on Kyle halted as everyone looked towards the staircase. Jimmy, Timmy and Butters were standing in the basement doorway, all six of their hands around a hose.

Cartman looked down in shock. "UGHHHH! You guys! You washed off, like, half my paint! That's so uncool!"

"Fire again, Tim!" commanded Jimmy.

"TIMMEH!"

Water was sprayed again, this time all over the room. The brass boys all moaned and screeched as though the water was corrosive acid.

Kyle took this opportunity to tug his clothes back on. Then he went to check on Stan.

"Dude!" He knelt by his friend's side. "Wake up, wake up!"

Stan didn't show any signs of consciousness until a few droplets of water hit him. He cracked an eye open.

"K...Kyle...? KYLE!" he exclaimed, sitting up. "You came to rescue me!"

"Uh, not exactl- -!" Kyle was tackled with a hug.

"Oh my god, you guys, get a roo- -HISSSS!" Cartman was bowled over with another blast from the hose. "You buttholes! What was that for?! I thought you were my fucking friends!"

"Sorry, Eric," Butters spoke up. "I overheard you talking to my dad...after I got ungrounded, I-I went lookin' to help you out...but then I found out about the corrupt inner workings of your business. It was Super Size Me all over again. So, I followed you here after you took Kyle. Now my dad's probably gonna ground me for taking the hose..."

Cartman turned to Jimmy and Timmy. "But what about you guys? You were part of the reason I was so successful! How could you backstab me like this?"

"Butters told us the whole story, Eric. A lot of NAMBLA members were checking out our blog, and Timmy and I decided we could never support something so c-c..c-co...c-corrupt!" Jimmy said firmly.

"TIMMAW!"

"CURSE YOOOOUUU!" Cartman garbled as the room was soaked once more.

His employees seemed to be waking up from a trance. They all looked awkwardly at each other, murmuring about their nudity before filing out of the basement.

"NOOO! My brassy boyyys!" cried Cartman. He flopped onto the floor.

Kyle kicked him in the love handle. "Serves you right!"

He, Stan, Jimmy, Timmy and Butters departed as well, leaving him all alone.

The fat boy sniffled and picked himself up. "Well...at least I still have all that money I- -SHWHA?!"

Cartman's profits had been dissolved and torn up by the power hose, their shredded remains strewn all over the cold, hard floor.

"NOOOOO!"

He flopped onto the floor again.

Ms. Cartman popped her head in the doorway. "Sweetie? I just saw a bunch of wet, naked boys stampede through the living room. Is there something you want to talk about?"

"Ugh...go away, Mom."

* * *

(A/N: FINALLY DONE! I must've started writing this almost three years ago and never finished! Glad to finally have it done!

Really, I don't have anything else to say, so please review, fave, and check out my profile for more! G'bye!)


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